Dialogue-Crackfic - LotR, of a sort.

[order_of_chaos]

Crackfic, mostly dialogue.

Author: order_of_chaos
For: drbillbongo and jedipirate
Title: Dipplhaufen and the siege of Gondola
Rating: R (just in case, but... the implications.)
'Pairing': Dipplhaufen/Borplhaufen/Farplhaufen.
Warning: No attempt whatsoever has been made at characterisation; any similarity to Denethor, Boromir and Faramir of the Lord of the Rings isn't merely a coincidence - it's a miracle.
Further warnings include: Mentions of incest, suicide, son-icide (I forget the word), necrophillia, threesomes. 


***

The last 'Stute of Gondola jerked his head away from the shiny ball in front of him with a despairing cry.  "The Dark Lord is über-powerful.  We're all going to die."
"Yeah well," Borplhaufen interjected.  "I am dead, and you don't see me complaining."
Farplhaufen glanced up from his book to roll his eyes at his brother.  "He can't see you at all, Borpl.  Most people can't see ghosts."

***

Dippl: The Dark Lord is going to kill us all.
Farpl: You mean Voldie?
Dippl: Nah, the other guy, the one with the jewellery fetish and a really big eye.
Farpl: Cyclops?
Dippl: Possibly.

***

Farpl: So how did you die, anyway?
Borpl: Well, it's a long story…

[Some time later]

Farpl: You tried to snitch Frida's ring?
Borpl: [defensively] What?  It was shiny.

***

Dippl: Sorry, Farpl-lad.  You're dying, therefore I must kill you.
Farpl: But I haven't finished my book yet. [clings to book.]
Borpl: I can not believe you just said that.
Dippl: Shut up and take it like a man.  Cyclops is going to win anyway.
Farpl: Um.  Daddy?  Doesn't that strike you as a touch pessimistic?
Dippl: Realistic.  Not pessimistic.  If it make you feel better, I'll kill myself too.
Farpl: I don't mind so much.  It's just… I don't want to die a virgin.  Can we have sex first?  And I still want to finish my book.
Borpl: Bloody Ravenclaw.
Farpl: Shut up, deadboy, and I might let you join in.
Dippl: Oh God.  The sooner Cyclops puts us out of our misery the better.
Farpl: Daddy, please fuck me.
Dippl: Oh, all right.  But Borpl has to join in - I've always liked him better.
Farpl: [patiently] Borpl's dead, dad.
Borpl: Yeah.  And getting deader.
Dippl: Death first.  Then sex.
Farpl: That does solve some problems.  Right.  I'll just finish my book, then you can kill me.
Borpl: [Beats insubstantial head against wall.]  Ravenclaw.  Kill the Ravenclaw.
Dippl: We'll need oil.
Farpl: For lube?
Dippl: [sarcastically] No, to make us burn better.  Idiot.  Of course I meant for lube.
Farpl: I thought you said death first.
Dippl: I did didn't I?  Damn.

***

Sauron: And my name is not Cyclops!